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Secondary IV • 2mo.

Hey, 

I wrote a little poem for unjust treatment received by Asians. Could you help me to make my poem more implicit please?

thanks a lot.


title: What takes us by the throat


What takes us by the throat?

By us, I mean the Asian group that people don’t accept.

Is it difficult to admire a best seller of New York Time?

An Asian of first immigration will concur. 


What takes us by the throat?

By us, I mean the Asian group that people hate.

Is it the accuse of being the productor of the virus ?

An American Asian afraid of taking a bus will say yes.


What takes us by the throat?

By us, I mean the highly performing Asian refused by the Ivy League.

Is it the quota of affirmative action legitimates the discrimination?

A freedom fighter challenges Ivy League Towel gives his appreciation.


But whatever it is,

It will never bend us completely to its will.

And we are fighting,

Until achieving our will. 

English
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Explanations (5)

  • Explanation from Alloprof

    Explanation from Alloprof

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    Team Alloprof • 2mo.

    Hi!

    I think your poem is beautiful. To make it more implicit, try to use symbols and figures of speech. Use your words to make the reader imagine, figure out what you're trying to say. For exemple, in a poem about death, you could refer to death as "the scythe". You make death more implicit by not naming it directly.

    I hope this helps!

    If you have any other question, just ask and we'll gladly help!

    Laurie :)

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    2mo.

    Hi!

    So I think you have a great structure which is often times the most difficult part of writing a poem. However, (and you can take it or leave it if this is the style you want) I would try to be more concise with my writing. Like I would try to limit my use of "it" or "it is" as it takes away some of the impact of your words. Also, and this is my opinion, for your third paragraph I would maintain a similar structure to the last two. For instance, the second line "By us, I mean the highly performing Asian refused by the Ivy League." I would put something like "By us, I mean the Asian group (you could also use community because "the Asian group" sounds like a faction of the overall community) that are rejected from opportunities despite their performance."


    Hope this gives you a bit of guidance!

    Best of luck :)

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    Grade 3 • 2mo.

    It's "New York Times"

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    Secondary III • 2mo.

    The answer to your poem is stereotypes...They could destroy an entire race's reputation.So you could clarify in your poem, to people uncommon to asian culture, that all sterotypes including "eating all sort of not edible animals" (dogs,cats,insects) is not the reality of asians, it will help many people that aren't cultivated or never went to Asia.

  • Explanation from a Help Zone Pro Explanation from a Pro

    Explanation from a Help Zone Pro

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    Help Zone Pro • 2mo.

    Hi PicFantastique 8058,

    Thank you for using zone d'entraide so we can help you!

    I really like your poem. The rhythm is really good!

    Bye

    AraAlpha2019