How to help a shy child do well in school?

Shyness often stems from insecurity. When kids take the time to analyze a new situation before diving in, they’re demonstrating a perfectly healthy and adaptive approach.

New things are often intimidating, even when that thing is a close friend their parent is eager to introduce them to.

Our suspicion of novelty is a protective reflex, one that stems from our inherent instinct for survival. It’s a good thing we have this reflex, too, because if we didn’t, our ancestors might have paid no attention to that poisonous snake in their path, and humanity would have ended right then and there!

For your child, meeting a friend of yours for the first time is like encountering a new species of snake. If they don’t know whether or not they’re in danger, they’ll remain wary. In other words, your child will keep their guard up because they don’t know that your friend is super nice. Not yet, anyway! They’ll get there by watching and evaluating from the sidelines.

It’s important to let kids get used to new situations at their own pace, even at school. Some children are more cautious than others, and that’s okay. If your child is extremely reserved and you want to see them come out of their shell so they can gain confidence and participate in fun activities, there are ways you can help. However, the most important thing to remember is not to put any pressure on your child.

Keep in mind that for a kid, meeting new people (like a teacher) or stepping into a new environment (like a classroom) can be scary. But that doesn’t make them a scaredy-cat! It just means their survival instincts are kicking in. I know it’s strange to think of your awesome friend or other kids at school as frightening, but for a child, new situations present a potential threat.

Let’s go back to the snake analogy: we’ll compare coming across a snake to talking to a stranger.

Say you’re afraid of snakes, and I tell you that I’m going to hand you one of these reptiles when we get to my friend’s house. You won’t want to go—you’ll be anticipating the moment you have to hold the snake and become stressed out at the mere thought of going over. 

By contrast, if I tell you there’s a snake at my friend’s house but that you don’t have to go near it if you don’t want to, you’ll be much less anxious!

Your child will be more likely to interact if they feel calm. That’s why it’s so important to put them at ease and take the pressure off.

The goal is for them to experience positive social interactions so they can gradually expand their comfort zone. It’s essential not to push your child. Meeting new people should be fun! Here are some winning strategies you can try:

• Use social outings as an opportunity to expose your child to new people (at a pace they’re comfortable with) and give them a chance to practise their social skills
• Let your child decide whether or not to interact with others
• Praise their efforts by acknowledging each bit of progress they make
• Offer to stay with them to help break the ice if you sense they want to talk to people, but are afraid
• Set up positive social interactions to help them gain self-confidence
• Help them practise their social skills in familiar surroundings (e.g., at home rather than while visiting someone)
• Avoid calling them shy, especially in front of them