What to do when your child is a perfectionist

The desire to keep improving is a healthy quality, even one that’s encouraged. But constantly raising the bar, setting impossible goals, and engaging in negative self-talk is not. It’s important for parents to be able to recognize the difference between adaptive perfectionism, a healthy desire to work hard to achieve a goal, and maladaptive perfectionism, which can lead to anxiety and obsession.

• Children who are adaptive perfectionists have the following qualities:
• They want to get good grades for their own personal satisfaction
• They know their strengths and limitations
• They find satisfaction in a job well done
• They recognize that their self-worth is not tied to their academic performance
• Etc.

Children with maladaptive perfectionism, on the other hand, have the following tendencies:

• They often experience high levels of anxiety
• They set extremely high standards for themselves in school
• They want to excel in every subject
• They refuse to think about failure (and indeed, have a fear of it)
• They’d rather give up or avoid a situation if there’s the slightest possibility they won’t succeed
• Etc.

If your child struggles with maladaptive perfectionism, there are things you can do to help change their perspective and guide them toward the adaptive form. Here are some examples:

• Let your child know that you love them unconditionally and for all sorts of reasons, including their so-called imperfections
• Boost their self-esteem by regularly asking for their opinion (e.g., regarding their homework routine)
• Foster perseverance by encouraging your child to try new things and not give up, even if they’re not the best at them (e.g., if they try a sport and are slow to get the hang of it, praise them whenever they make progress)
• Brainstorm strategies for managing their anxiety (e.g., breathing techniques, positive thinking)
• Use motivational phrases to discourage negative thinking and help your child put things into perspective
• Etc.