My child is hiding their failing marks from me. What can I do?

Having to find out from your child’s teacher that they failed a recent test can leave you feeling blindsided, or even angry. But before you react, it’s important to understand why they kept this information from you in the first place and work with them to identify the best strategies for addressing the situation.

First of all, it’s important to remember that even if your child doesn’t tell you about a failed test or assignment themself, they’re well aware that you’ll find out sooner or later. However, they also know it’s going to be a hard conversation, so they put it off in an attempt to avoid it.

Here are some common reasons your child might hide a bad mark:

• They’re disappointed with their performance and need time to process their feelings
• They’re worried that their performance hasn’t lived up to your expectations
• They think that they didn’t prepare or study enough
• They regret not asking for help or asking their teacher questions before a test

In short, your child probably feels embarrassed and is afraid of having to confront their feelings all over again by telling you what happened.

When you learn that your child has failed a test or assignment, either through their teacher or via marks posted on the school portal, you may feel confused or frustrated that they hid the information from you. That’s perfectly normal!

However, if you make the effort to understand why they didn’t tell you, you’ll realize that kids and teens go through difficult emotions too. By taking this approach, you can have a more honest conversation. Here are some tips to get you started.

• Start with a question: “I got an email from your school today. Do you have an idea of what it was about?” Then you can gauge whether your child is open to talking about it.
• Or just tell it like it is: Be upfront and say their teacher let you know they failed their English test, for example. Whatever you do, at this stage it’s important to stick to the facts and avoid getting swept up in your own feelings.
• Next, talk about your child’s emotions by asking open-ended questions: “How do you feel about it?” or “Do you want to talk about it more?” Chances are, your child will open up about feeling disappointed or angry with themself. If you think they’re receptive to it, you can then calmly talk to them about how you felt when you heard the news from someone else.
• Find solutions together: You can help your child overcome feelings of shame and gain confidence by exploring better ways to prep for an upcoming test or going over the things they can control.
• Agree on a communication strategy: Set the expectation that your child will be more open about their performance and struggles at school going forward. This will show them that you’re open to listening to them and willing to step in if they need help.

In summary, the best approach is to figure out what happened and then explore all your options to ensure a better outcome in the future. This will help your child gradually become more independent and empowered at school.