5 ways to help your child control their impulsivity

You might be wondering what exactly impulsivity is. Impulsivity is the difficulty in suppressing or avoiding certain automatic behaviors. It can be part of the way that some children function, and it can manifest itself in varying degrees depending on their age. For example, think of how children under 5 often behave: for them, self-control and managing their emotions is a huge challenge. In addition to a child’s level of maturity, it can also be affected by how tired they are and if they are in an overly stimulating environment, have a chaotic daily routine, or are in a stressful situation. Your child may have trouble with impulse control if they do the following:

• Tend to interrupt others during conversations
• Tend to oppose your requests or demands
• Have rapid and marked changes in mood
• Tend to act quickly without stopping to think
• Have difficulty meeting deadlines
• Have difficulty slowing down (to avoid hurting themselves)
• Tend to touch everything or be easily distracted
• Tend to express anger in an unhealthy way
• Etc.

Learning to inhibit impulsive behaviours is an essential skill for academic success, since the more the brain trains itself to block out distractions and misconceptions, the easier it is to integrate new concepts into learning. It’s like training a muscle! For example, if your child is learning a new grammar rule, inhibition can help them concentrate—not only to block out external distractions, but to firmly put any misconceptions they’ve had to the side.

As a parent, you’ll obviously want to teach your child the proper way to behave when their emotions or excitement overwhelm them. A good way to gently curtail their impulsive behaviour is to phrase your instructions in a positive way. The idea isn’t to ask your child to stop being impulsive (since they don’t mean to), but rather to help them take control of their impulsivity in order to work around it. Here are some examples:

• Instead of saying “don’t run”, simply tell them to “walk.” Say “Please speak more quietly” instead of “Stop shouting.”
• Reinforce good behaviours and praise your child when they behave well. Give them sincere, specific praise (e.g., Thank you for waiting your turn before speaking, thank you for waiting until after dinner to eat your dessert, etc.).
• To correct their behaviour, give them a short response (no more than two sentences) instead of a grand, moralizing speech. (E.g., I need you to ask permission before you use my pencil. Can you try that again?)

It’s also important to take a look at the models your child has both at home and at school. A child who sees other adults reacting impulsively may come to think that this behavior is  acceptable. You can simply ask your child what they think they’ll achieve by acting the way they are. This might help them realize that their behavior won’t get them positive results.

Emotions are neither good nor bad. By learning to identify emotions without judgment, both parents and children can have a better understanding of how they influence their behaviour. Helping your child name their emotions is an effective way to get them to express their frustration through words rather than actions. Here are some questions you can ask to help them:

• How are you feeling right now?
• What are you saying to yourself in your head?
• Why did you do this?
• What could you have done (or said) instead?

You could give them an example like this: “A few days ago, I was feeling angry because something happened . . . So I went for a bike ride. It helped me calm down.”

There are lots of fun and interesting games to help children develop self-control. When a child is given a moment to think, their ability to inhibit their impulsivity is strengthened. Here are some games you can play:

• Simon Says
• Yes No Black White
• Jenga
• Chess
• Spot-the-difference / hidden object games
• Red Light, Green Light
• The Quiet Game
• What Time Is It, Mr. Wolf?
• Build a house of cards
• Our game Think fast!

If your child has a tendency to “blow up”, it can be good to help them incorporate relaxation routines, yoga, mindfulness meditation or breathing, and positive self-talk. For example, you can tell them to pretend they’re blowing out a candle or a giant volcano, or better yet, ask them to come up with their own peaceful way to deal with their emotions! Here are some phrases you can teach them to say when they’re frustrated or overly excited:

• I am stopping and I am calm.
• I am going into my shell to calm down.
• I am listening to all the instructions before starting.
• I am taking my time to think before I act.
• I am moving around safely, and I am looking in front of me to see.
• etc.