My Child Struggles with Change

Children often find it challenging to navigate any transition, big or small—whether they are changing school cycles, learning a new routine, or dealing with a separation or move. If we, as experienced adults, become destabilized by change, imagine how change affects a child who is still developing their understanding of the world and capacity to adapt.

It is only natural that children may experience the following when dealing with change:

• An increased desire to hold on to the familiar and well known

• A sense of loss, if they find themselves having to leave friends, a teacher, a home, or a routine

• A range of emotions, such as fear, frustration, anxiety, and sadness

• A feeling of lack of control over what happens next, especially if they are given little information

• A tendency to want to be around you more often, or to want to spend more time alone

• Behavioural changes, such as having more tantrums than usual, or becoming more hesitant or reluctant when faced with anything new

• These behaviours are clues that your child is trying to regulate their emotions and needs your help to understand what they are going through. For children who find it more difficult to verbalize their feelings, a tool like the Emotion Wheel can help.

A useful way to support your child is to make time to listen and validate their feelings, without commenting on the size or importance of the change they are going through. This will make them feel heard and understood.

Routine is a key ingredient in a child’s life. Maintaining daily routines like bedtimes and breakfast rituals will help your child stay rooted in the familiar, no matter what changes they are experiencing. Routine provides them with a greater sense of security, because they understand the context and know what is coming next.

But routines are only part of the equation. It is just as important to improve your child’s capacity to adapt. Here are a few ways to foster adaptability:

• Gradually introduce new things into your child’s life and see how they react.

• Set rules and boundaries. This will improve predictability in your child’s environment and increase their sense of control.

• Encourage your child to talk about their feelings and share their worries. Work together to see these situations as opportunities for learning and development.

• Help your child build self-confidence by teaching them to recognize and value their unique strengths.

• Create a safe space and build trust with your child, so that they know they can always come to you.

• Encourage flexibility.

Certain major changes will have a significant impact on your child’s life, such as a separation, a move, a change of school, a death, or a new family member. Children can find these situations destabilizing, so it is best to prepare them as much as possible for the upcoming change. That way, you can ease the transition and reduce your child’s anxiety over the unknown.

Here are a few tips to support your child through major changes:

• Early in the process, explain what is going to happen and why. Be clear and transparent. Explain what is going to change and what will stay the same.

• Normalize your child’s experience by telling them that many people struggle with change and that this is normal. Share your feelings to show them that they are allowed to have their own as well.

• Keep a steady routine in the other areas of your child’s life to ensure stability and minimize further change.

• Involve your child in discussions and let them help with some everyday decisions when possible, such as choosing what to wear, how to decorate their bedroom, what to eat, or what special weekend activity to try.

• Use age-appropriate tools to help your child visualize and understand the situation: try role playing, marking up a calendar, or reading books for elementary or high school levels.

• Create opportunities for your child to talk to you about their fears and provide reassuring answers.

• Let the other adults in your child’s life know about the situation: family members, teachers, daycare providers, coaches, etc. That way, they can be on the lookout for signs that your child is struggling.

• Visit the new school, if applicable, or meet with the people who will play an important role in the upcoming change. This will help your child become familiar with the new context.

Your child may struggle with the change for a while. This is a normal reaction; it takes about six weeks to adapt to a change. However, if you find that your child continues to struggle despite your best efforts, it may be time to seek professional help.

If your child is displaying these symptoms, you may need additional support:

• Stress or anxiety

• Sadness that is not improving

• Trouble sleeping or a change in appetite

• Aggressive behaviour

• Etc.

If you are concerned about your child, reach out to a professional, such as a specialist at their school or a doctor.